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GRANDMA'S FAMILY TREE
There's been a change in Grandma, we've noticed her of late,
She's always reading history or jotting down some date.
She's tracking back the family, we'll all have pedigrees.
Oh, Grandma's got a hobby, she's climbing Family Trees.
Poor Grandpa does the cooking and now, or so he states,
That worst of all, he has to wash the cups and Dinner plates.
Grandma can't be bothered, she's busy as a bee,
Compiling Genealogy, for the Family Tree.
She has no time to baby-sit, the curtains are a fright.
No buttons left on Granddad's shirt, the flower bed's a sight.
She's given up her club work, the serials on TV,
The only thing she does nowadays is climb the Family Tree.
She goes down to the Courthouse and studies ancient lore,
We know more about our forebears than we ever knew before.
The books are old and dusty, they make poor Grandma sneeze,
A minor irritation when you're climbing Family Trees.
The mail is all for Grandma, it comes from near and far,
Last week she got the proof she needs to join the DAR.
A worthwhile avocation, to that we all agree,
A monumental project, to climb the Family Tree.
Now some folks came from Scotland and some from Galway Bay,
Some were French as pastry, some German, all the way.
Some went on West to stake their claim. Some stayed near by the sea.
Grandma hopes to find them all as she climbs the Family Tree.
She wanders through the graveyard in search of date or name,
The rich, the poor, the in-between, all sleeping there the same.
She pauses now and then to rest, fanned by a gentle breeze,
That blows above the Fathers of all our Family Trees.
There were pioneers and patriots mixed in our kith and kin,
Who blazed the paths of wilderness and fought through thick and thin.
But none more staunch than Grandma, whose eyes light up with glee,
Each times she finds a missing branch for the Family Tree.
Their skills were wide and varied, from Carpenter to Cook,
And one (Alas) the record shows was hopelessly a crook.
Blacksmith, weaver, farmer, judge, some tutored for a fee.
Long lost in time, now all recorded on the Family Tree.
To some it's just a hobby, to Grandma it's much more,
She knows the joys and heartaches of those who went before.
They loved, they lost, they laughed, they wept, and now for you and me,
They live again in spirit, around the Family Tree.
At last she's nearly finished and we are each exposed.
Life will be the same again, we foolishly supposed !
Grandma will cook and sew, serve cookies with our tea.
We'll all be fat, just as before that wretched Family Tree.
Sad to relate, The Preacher called and visited for a spell,
We talked about the Gospel, and other things as well,
The heathen folk, the poor - and then - 'twas fate, it had to be,
Somehow the conversation turned to Grandma and the Family Tree.
We tried to change the subject, we talked of everything,
But then in Grandma's voice we heard that old familiar ring.
She told him all about the past and soon was plain to see,
The Preacher, too, was nearly snared by Grandma and the Family Tree.
He never knew his Grandpa, his mother's name was ..Clark?
He and Grandma talked and talked, outside it grew quite dark.
We'd hoped our fears were groundless, but just like some disease,
Grandma's become an addict--- She's hooked on Family Trees.
Our souls were filled with sorrow, our hearts sank with dismay,
Our ears could scarce believe the words we heard our Grandma say,
"It sure is a lucky thing that you have come to me,
I know exactly how it's done, I'll climb your Family Tree.
Author Unknown.
Strangers in the Box
Come,
Look with me inside this drawer,
In this box I've often seen,
With the pictures, black and white
Faces proud, still, serene.
I wish I knew the people
These strangers in the box;
Their names and all their memories
Are lost among my socks.
I wonder what their lives were like;
How did they spend their days?
About their special times and lives
I'll never know their ways.
If only someone had taken time
To tell who, what, or when;
These faces of my heritage
Would come to life again.
Could this become the fate
Of pictures we take today?
The faces and memories
Someday to be passed away?
Make time to save your stories,
Seize the opportunity when it knocks,
Or someday you and yours could be...
The strangers in the box.
--Author Unknown
This finally explains a whole lot…..
AAADD
[KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......PLEASE READ!]
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A...A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden .
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills
back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table
[yes I still have one!],
and see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the
can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when I go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
LIFE EXPLAINED
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
Finally, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY..
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS..
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP ..
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Were you were born in a cave?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favourite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
STATE TROOPER
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring..
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never
heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper.
I thought you were bringing her
back." "'Have a good day, sir,"' replied the trooper.
VISIT TO THE DOC
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to
have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must
be really pleased that you can hear again. The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family
yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
ACHES AND PAINS
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when
one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
RESTERAUNT
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the
kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it
was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the
restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you
give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that
restaurant we went to last night?'
WHEEL CHAIR
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse,
I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed
with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the
bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
ICE CREAM
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that
they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things
down to help them remember Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice-cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with
strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his
wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
WIFE
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!'
'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know..'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'
QUICK DECISION
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second= one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
TIME
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'
BIG MISTAKE
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've
got a heart murmur; be careful.'
ICE CREAM
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'